In the outskirts of the solar system there exists, or existed a block of ice so round that astronomers of early days had no choice but to catalog it as a planet. They called this planet Pluto in honor of the ancient greek god of insecurity. As technology allowed for a more detailed view of this cosmic snow-cone, doubts arose as to whether or not it was in fact capable of performing the duties of a planet – be round, and go around. While the new science elite began petitioning for its immediate deplanetization, old fashioned traditionalists were content to let sleeping dogs lie. The elliptical line had been drawn in the aether. You were either for the Kepler Belt objects, or you were against them.

“For years there has been a growing number of astronomers lobbying for the removal of Pluto from planetary status in the solar system, but no one ever thought it would go this far.”, said South Florida astronomer Jack Horkheimer, named for the roman god of gay.

Just 2 weeks ago, scientists assembled at a consortium to discuss the issue, voted not only to keep Pluto’s planetary status but to add more planets to the solar system. These would include Ceres, a well known asteroid, Chiron, a once moon of Pluto and 2003 UB313 called “Xena” by it’s sexually repressed discoverer, Michael Brown. It was expected that Pluto would be downgraded then but an impressive speech by Patricia Tombaugh, the 93-year-old widow of Pluto discoverer Clyde Tombaugh, seemed to sway the vote. She was quoted as saying “if you (explicative deleted) (explicative deleted) think you are going to (explicative deleted) me out of my (explicative deleted) subsidy by debunking my (explicative deleted) husbands work, (explicative deleted)(explicative deleted), etc etc etc. Pluto, it appeared, was safe.

Neil Crumpton, Richard Binzel and other anti-plutites demanded one final recount…a countdown. Last Night, At 03:46 GMT, a private rocket of unknown origin delivered 18 nuclear warheads to the face of Pluto and effectively melted it from the solar system in under 10 minutes. The time of the launch was kept a secret, but the result was immediately announced via mass email by an anonymous representative of the papsmass (people against peculiarly small objects in the solar system) terrorist organization. “If it was that easy to destroy a planet, it should have never been a planet in the first place" the email read, “we were perfectly willing to call Pluto and its friends a ‘dwarf planet’, but the stubborn will of the old fossils that just couldn’t let go just got Pluto downgraded to nothing but a wet fart in the sky.” The email did not comment on how a nuclear payload that theoretically should take years to reach the outer solar system could have conveniently reached Pluto only days after the initial vote to save it.

Binzel and Crumpton, each suspected associates of papsmass, were both unreachable for comment. Their spokesperson said they would be unavailable until they were finished with a year long survey of the planet Venus which Crumpton has described in the past as being “uncomfortably yellow”.

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